Lorelei is almost 6lbs (about 3 ounces away)... people always say, "oh 5lbs is when they send babies home!" Well she hit that way back... "when they eat on their own!" We hit that a few weeks ago... "when they are gaining weight and keeping their temp in a crib" that's long behind us... So try and feel why we're so angry. I want to scream at them, curse and punch the doctors in the face. But really... it's not their fault, they are sending us home with a HEALTHY BABY GIRL who won't need to be monitored... but can I still do those things? I want my daughter. She is almost 2 months old and I have missed so much. I just want to quit my job because emotionally I can't handle it. Everyone keeps telling me I'm strong, we're strong, etc... well I think that's over. God doesn't give you things you cannot work with/handle. Well I'm at my breaking point. I'm done. I want her to be home for my parents to be with her...
Saturday, March 27, 2010
So many emotions
Well as you know Friday was the day for her to come home... it didn't happen. She had a self resolving brady that took too long. And they told us they will reevaluate over the weekend for sending home on Monday. But I am totally in a place right now that I cannot believe anything I am hearing. I am angry, frustrated, sad, hurt, etc.
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I'm so sorry Lorel. This part is SO SO stressful. I remember very early on in our NICU journey, one of the nurses said that the healthier they become, the bigger they grow, the closer they are to coming home.... the more we want them OUT OF THERE. I remember thinking that was crazy at the time. I remember thinking "Uh, no. I'm sure I'll just be happy he's not camping out on death's door. It won't matter how long it takes, as long as he LIVES." Yeah, it was a nice thought but wasn't reality. The closer we got to getting him home, the most insane I became. I too started doing the "can you please just take care of these final stupid little unimportant hiccups so I can take my son HOME where he belongs and where he'll thrive?" And if you don't agree with their subjective determination of her self-resolving brady taking "too long", then that's only going to add to your agony and anger. If you feel that they are overreacting and keeping your baby from you without real and vital cause, then how could you NOT be pulling out your (very pretty and shiny) hair? I'm hoping and praying that this week starts off well, with a grand exit from alcatraz for your sweet little princess.
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